I super wanted to do some writing to clear my head before I attempted to tackle my assignment. But now I’m not sure. I’m too confused and my mind is too clouded with thoughts to even begin. But, a reflection.
When deciding where to go in life, obviously other people do have an influence. Where do you draw the line between the love you have for someone and the need to be selfish? I’m not chasing an easy, simple or ordinary dream, and I know that, and am OK with it. But i know deep down i need to go off on my own and get it done. I don’t want to create the pain for someone else of not knowing, the pain that ultimately I may feel on a daily basis; and besides; I have always preferred to suffer alone.
I have a decision to make. It won’t be fun, or easy- But either way I feel i’m going to come out of it with a broken heart.
I’m such a drunk, cigar smoking, pining, heartbroken mess. I don’t know what to do.
Dstance from Suva to sydney: 3,218 km… It feels like so much further.
Oh baby; you are here for me more than ever but I have never felt this alone.
How do I do this again?
How do I cope with being away from the person that makes me normal, the one that keeps me sane?
How do I not cry for hours?
How do I resist the escape of alcohol?
How do I get so used to it that I just stop feeling?
Oh right, Its night one. The numbness will come back soon.
On one of my restless nights, I had a friend, a relatively new friend; insist I am not as damaged as I think I am, rubbing my back and willing me to calm down and sleep. This got me thinking. Is it all in my head? Mental illness, they say, is in ones head; but I can’t help but think I have fabricated the symptoms of depression or anxiety, or my super destructive behaviour. Of course, there it is again, the self-doubt that eats away and tells me I am not good enough, that I am just fabricating the situation in my head to gain sympathy.
But in reality; why would I do that? Who would want their friends to see them crying, struggling to breathe and fighting a ridiculous mental battle? Sometimes, it is necessary, but for me, it happens way too often.
Maybe thats the reality, im screaming out for help but can’t see the symptoms within myself, maybe thats it, my subconscious trigger.
I wish I could work it out, it is crippling me.